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Jokes

KAYUMANGGI Jokes 1

Posted by alkayumanggi on October 29, 2012 at 11:25 PM

MALAPIT NA

 

Amo------inday kapag may naghahanap sa amin,sabihin mo ''umalis''

''nagsimba sa Quiapo'' kapag tinanong kung kailan ang balik sabihin mo ''malapit na''.

 

Inday----OPO Ate!

(mine-morize ni inday yong sagot pero hindi ang tanong)

Habang naglilinis sa labas si inday,merong nagtanong mula sa Baygon Company.

Ahente---Maam,meron po ba kayo 'lamok',ipis,at daga?

Inday---umalis!

Ahente---Ha? saan pumunta?

Inday---nagsimba sa Quiapo

Ahente---nababaliw na ata to?

Inday---malapit na!

- Liza Britanico

 

SIKAT DIN

 

Announcer: Saglit po naming pinuputol ang programang to...3 mapanganib na mental patient ang nakatakas sa national mental hospital...

..Madali lang po silang makilala.

..sila po ay nagpapangap na mga sikat na singer sa hollywood.

..yung una po ay nagpapangap sa pangalan na Tom Jones.

..yung pangalawa po ay sa pangalan na Matt Monro.

..yung pangatlo po na pinaka delikado sa lahat ay di pa mabatid ang kanyang ginagamit na pangalan.

..Hanggang dito na lamang po mga giliw na taga pakinig ito po ang inyong tagapag balita si Frank Sinatra....Ngekkkk.

- Jam Arden

 

WARRANTY EXPIRED

 

ANGRY HUSBAND IS NOT HAPPY WITH HIS WIFE.

SO HE SEND MESSAGE TO HIS MOTHER - IN-LAW;

YOUR PRODUCT IS NOT MATCHING WITH MY REQUIREMENTS.

THE SMART MOTHER IN LAW REPLIES,

WARRANTY EXPIRED , MANUFACTURER IS NOT LIABLE NOR RESPONSIBLE AFTER SEAL IS BROKEN.

- Marlyn Catipon

 

SIDE B


A mental patient singing while lying in a hospital bed...

After a song,,,dumapa siya,,,,

 

The nurse asked,

O BAKIT KA BUMALIKTAD???

He answered...

BALIW KA BA????

SIDE B na kaya!

- Margie C. Salarda

 

GINUPIT?


AMO: Inday natanggal mo ba ung mantsa sa barong ko?

INDAY: Opo kuya, tanggal na tanggal!

AMO: Good! Ano pinantanggal mo?

INDAY: GUNTING po!


ONE YEAR NA

 

JUAN: Dok, ako po yung pasyente nyo LAST YEAR!

DOC: Oo naaalala ko! may problema ba?

JUAN: Itatanong ko lang po sana kung pwede na akong maligo!


AUTISTIC

 

MAX: O ba't mo ko binatukan?

JUAN: Kasi tinawag mo kong autistic e!

MAX: Eh last year pa yun ah!

JUAN: Eh kanina ko lang nalaman ibig sabihin eh!


DAYA

 

TEACHER: Pedro 1 + 3?

PEDRO: Maam 4 po.

TEACHER: Oh ikaw Juan. 3+ 1?

JUAN: O mam, bakit naman po pag mahirap akin...! FAVORITISM....!


ARAY

 

MAX: Ano nangyari sa tenga mo?

JUAN: Namamalantsa ko, nag-ring yung cellphone, yung plantsa nadampot ko!

MAX: Bakit 2 tenga?

JUAN: May tumawag ulit e!

 

PINA-REST


DOC: Nurse papasukin mo na susunod na pasyente!

NURSE: Doc pinauwi ko na po lahat!

DOC: Ha? Bkit?

NURSE: Masama daw po mga pakiramdam eh! Para maka-rest sila!

 

AYAW SA LANGIT

 

GURO: Sino gusto pumunta sa langit?

...di nagtaas ng kamay si Juan

GURO: Bakit Juan? Ayaw mo ba pumuntang langit?

JUAN: Sabi po kasi ni inay uwi ako maaga! Baka gabihin tayo!


EXTRAY

 

NDAY: Ate kailangan bang ipa-EXTRAY ulo ni junior?

AMO: Ano ka ba naman Inday, hindi EXTRAY! Di nauso yun no!

INDAY: Eh ano po ba?

AMO: CT SKULL!


LUMA NA PALA

 

Natabig ni Juan ang 1 pigurin sa National Museum...

BANTAY: Naku sir, more than 1,000 years old na po yan!

JUAN: Hay salamat, akala ko bago!!!


PAST TENSE

 

GURO: Find the wrong word and make it past tense: "Maria CATCH a butterfly."

JUAN: Mam, mam, "Maria catch a butterflew?!"


IBANG HOROSCOPE YAN 

 

PEDRO: Pare, anong horoscope mo?

JUAN: Ano ba yung horoscope?

PEDRO: Yung tulad sa akin Cancer.

JUAN: Ah yun ba? Ang sa akin almuranas!


MERCURY DRUG

 

GURO: Kung MERCURY ang unang planeta, anong malaking HEAVENLY body ang katapat nito?

JUAN: Depende po mam, kung MERCURY sa Quiapo, yun pong simbahan!

 

FUNNIEST


The funniest thing that happens in the classroom..

is when the teacher is telling a joke..

and nobody laughed.


DASAL

 

Dasal naman ng mga babae:

Sa edad na 20 - "Lord, I want the best man."

Sa edad na 25 - "Lord, I want a good man."

Sa edad na 30 - "Lord, I want a man."

Sa edad na 40 - "Lord, please naman..."


ILAN ANG NATIRA?

 

Popoy: May 10 baboy, namatay ang isa, ilan ang natira?

Poleng: E di siyam!

Popoy: Mali!

Poleng: Eh bakit mali? Ilan ang natira?

Popoy: Walang natira!

Poleng: Ha? Balit wala?

Popoy: Nakipaglibing yung iba!


HINDI PALA

 

Sa Park...

BOY:Tahimik ka na naman

GIRL:Ha?

BOY:Galit ka ba?

GIRL:Hindi

BOY:Di ka galit sa akin?

GIRL:Di nmn ako galit sayo

BOY:May nagawa ba ako?

GIRL:Wala

BOY:Bakit di mo ako pinapansin?

GIRL:Di naman kita kilala eh.


UBO

 

pasyente:doc may sakit pho ako

doc:ahh ganun bha umubo ka

pasyente: uhu, uhu, uhu!

doc:ubo pha

pasyente: uhu, uhu, uhu!

doc:naku di ako nag kamali

pasyente:bakit pho doc anu ang sakit ko??

doc:may ubo ka


LUMAKAS

 

Si Bruno ay nagpacheck-up sa Doctor kasi mahina raw ang pandinig niya.

Doctor: Oh anu ang nararamdaman mo?

Bruno: Doc, medyo mahina na po ang pandinig ko. Mismong UTOT ko di ko na marinig eh.

Doctor: Ahh ganun ba, teka kuha ako ng gamot, oh eto inumin mo to ng isang linggo.

Bruno: Salamat po, E, teka Doc, pag iinumin ko ba ito lalakas ang pandinig ko?

Doctor: Hindi! Lalakas lang ang UTOT mo!!


UBOS ANG TOOTHPICK 

 

AMO: kelan lang tayo bumili ng toothpick, bakit naubos agad?

MAID: ewan ko po mam, kapag ako po ang gumamit sinosoli ko naman ah!

 

URI NG GATAS


Mga klase ng gatas ng babae ayon sa research...

Dalagita: fresh milk

Dalaga: pasteurized

Bagong Kasal: skimmed

Matagal ng Kasal: yogurt

Matandang dalaga: taho

Lola: tokwa


ASO PALA

 

Isang lasing nasalubong ang babaeng may aso...

.Lasing: Hoy, san mo nakuha 'yang unggoy?

Babae: Aso ito hindi baboy!

Lasing: Wag kang sumabat! 'Yong aso ang kausap ko!


GENTLEMAN

 

Sa Bus

Juan: tol, grabe naaawa talaga ako pag nakakita ako ng babaeng nakatayo, tapos tayo naka upo.

Pedro: so anong gagawin natin?

Juan: no choice, pikit nalang tayo para di natin makita :)


PAYO

 

Mga payo tungkol sa pag ibig...

Para sa mga MAY ASAWA-magsindi ng PULANG KANDILA

para tumagal ang pag ibig...^^

Para sa mga BALO at BYUDA- magsindi ng ASUL N KANDILA

para dumating ang bagong pag ibig....^^

Para sa mga may BF/GF- mag sindi ng PINK N KADILA

para manatili ang romance & affection..

Para sa mga SINGLE- magsindi ng KATOL

habang naghihintay...para di lamukin.


GALING SA UNGGOY

 

Anak: Inay talaga po bang galing tayo sa Unggoy?

Nanay: Sino may sabi sa iyo nyan?

Anak: si tatay po!

Nanay: Hayaan mo tatay mo, sila lang saling sa Unggoy!


MALAMBOT NAMAN AH

 

Sa restaurant....

LOLO: Pwe! WAITER!!!

Waiter: Yes Sir?

LOLO: Ano ba ‘tong steak na ‘to? Ang tigas tigas!

(Tinikman ng waiter ang steak)

Waiter: Malambot naman po at juicy pa.

LOLO: Paano ‘di lalambot ‘yan? 30 minutes ko ng nginunguya.


PAMANA

 

Nag uusap ang Lola at Ang Apo tungkol sa Pamana:

Sabi ng Lola: Apo, alam mo na matanda na ako, malapit na akong mamatay, Ipapamana ko sa iyo ang aking Sakahan, Prutasan, Bahay at ang mga alaga kong Hayop.

Sabi ng Apo: Laking pasasalamat ko po Lola, Saan po Yun?

Sabi ng Lola: Sa Facebook Apo, heto Email ko [email protected] at ang Password ay Ganda122. Click mo sa bookmark ang Farmville.


KINILIG.

 

Pedro: pre, nanaginip ako kanina.

Juan: ano?

Pedro: naglalaro tayo ng basketball tapos natumba ako, tapos pagsalo mo sakin, nagkalapit ung mga labi natin, tapos..

Juan: stop!

Pedro: bakit?

Juan: kinikilig ako! :'>

 

PATULAK NAMAN O


LASING: ( ngtxt )

pare! help patulak nman, ayaw umandar eh.

KUMPARE:(naawa, nagbihis, at ngreply) palabas nko ng bahay, san ka?

LASING: Dito pare sa swing..

 

The world's shortest Fairy Tale


Once upon a time, a man asked a woman, " Will you marry me?"

The woman answered, "NO!"

... and the man lived happily ever after. And play golf, went fishing, hunting, drank a lot of beer, and farted whenever he wanted.

The End

 

 


Categories: Kayumanggi Jokes

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145 Comments

Reply RamonNug
9:46 PM on April 25, 2021 
[IMAGE]



Over the years of independence, the institute has trained more than 13000 physicians (including 800 clinical interns, 1116 masters, 200 postgraduates and 20 doctoral students) in various directions.

870 staff work at the institute at present,] including 525 professorial-teaching staff in 55 departments, 34 of them are Doctors of science and 132 candidates of science. 4 staff members of the professorial-teaching staff of the institute are Honoured Workers of Science of the Republic of Uzbekistan, 3 ??“ are members of New-York and 2 ??“ members of Russian Academy of Pedagogical Science.

The institute has been training medical staff on the following faculties and directions: Therapeutic, Pediatric, Dentistry, Professional Education, Preventive Medicine, Pharmacy, High Nursing Affair and Physicians??™ Advanced Training. At present] 3110 students have been studying at the institute (1331 at the Therapeutic faculty, 1009 at the Pediatric, 358 at the Dentistry, 175 students at the Professional Education Direction, 49 at the faculty of Pharmacy, 71 at the Direction of Preventive Medicine, 117 ones study at the Direction of High Nursing Affair).

Today graduates of the institute are trained in the following directions of master's degree: obstetrics and gynecology, therapy (with its directions), otorhinolaryngology, cardiology, ophthalmology, infectious diseases (with its directions), dermatovenereology, neurology, general oncology, morphology, surgery (with its directions), instrumental and functional diagnostic methods (with its directions), neurosurgery, public health and public health services (with its directions), urology, narcology, traumatology and orthopedics, forensic medical examination, pediatrics (with its directions), pediatric surgery, pediatric anesthesiology and intensive care, children's cardiology and rheumatology, pediatric neurology, neonatology, sports medicine.

The clinic of the institute numbers 700 seats and equipped with modern diagnostic and treating instrumentations: MRT, MSCT, Scanning USI, Laparoscopic Center and others.

There are all opportunities to carry out sophisticated educational process and research work at the institute.

Source:
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